Rise of the Petty Technocrat!

BY: CITIZEN OTAKU

More and more, the government is becoming involved in technology. This doesn’t stop at trust legislation filed against Microsoft and other meddling; rather it extends down to the lowest echelons at the DMV. Today’s state and federal official has vast amounts of computing resources, which he can waste virtually at will. Defining this new class of bureaucrat is a reclaimed word: Technocrat. This term has been expanded, by me, not to simply mean a big-spending politician with a penchant for shiny, new trends. Now the technocrat is any government worker who has been bestowed by the state with more technology than he needs- even more than is safe for him to possess.

The foot soldier in this ever expanding, Orwellian army is the petty technocrat. As a character profile, he is a sad and lonely man working in an advisory or teaching position. He supervises and delegates computing resources within his own department and, perhaps, many others. Little has been written for this new type of working class hero- until now. This document aspires to be the Il Principe of small-scale technopolitics in the workplace.

The first thing that the aspiring petty technocrat must know is that silicon should be considered as a weapon. As with all weapons, the more you control indicates the power you can exert over others. NEVER let a coworker share your resources without first getting something significant in return. If they complain, besmirch their reputation by claiming that you had intended to share, but he/she refused because of "interpersonal" differences. Add the dispersion that they might not be "team players", all the while remaining cool, watching your victims become angrier and angrier with each lie that is spun. Claim, also, that they are too technologically inept to use the vast computing resources at your disposal, and that they pose a danger to the department unless they attend a rigorous re-training course- offer to teach it yourself and then fail them anyway. If physical evidence is required, resort to sabotage and blame it on them.

The second thing that one must remember is that a non-functioning computer is often more useful than a working one. Disabled machines cannot be broken and have no use what so ever until you "fix" them. Whenever possible, create a storage room for your "broken" machines in case one of your co-workers adopts siege tactics, starving you out of vital resources. Should the office stage such an uprising, make sure you kept the location of this room and the keys or access codes hidden. Your secret cache of technology could mean the difference in a key political fight, should the MIS department turn against you. Likewise, remove everything, which can be remotely considered as "fun" to prevent your subordinates and others from goofing off on your precious computers.

The third and final thing is the most principle you will ever learn: harvest, conserve, and hoard all pertinent information in the workplace. Guard it with your life. The machines are second-place relative to the information which keeps them running. DNS server addresses, gateway addresses, valid IP prefixes, and particularly incriminating Usage or keyboard logs are vital to your survival as a cutthroat petty technocrat. Vital HD information stored within the CMOS of non plug-n-play machines can be handy should, perish the thought, the CMOS be erased by some unfortunate act of God. Also useful are the config and autoexec files of presently functional machines should they become "unfunctional". Set up unique CMOS passwords, screensaver passwords, and logons for every machine at your disposal. Tell no one. MOST IMPORTANTLY: Seek out every piece of information that is more complete, more accurate, and more useful than yours, write it down and destroy the original. Trace the chain of information from the person you got it from. Is he the only person who has it? If not, find out who does and destroy their copies as well. Sometimes the knowledge of who HAS the information is more important than the information itself. There is no such thing as irrelevant information- once you have more vital knowledge than the administrators themselves, YOU will control the organization. No matter what you do, you cannot be fired. Your usefulness has NO obsolescence.