Evilism(tm): The Study of Wrongness

By: Hauptmann Rauschgift

Have you ever looked at something and said "Well, that’s just plain WRONG"? Sure you have, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Free and anonymous criticism is what makes our country so great, mostly because it leads to rampant postal killing sprees. Sometimes, however, something is so bad that it can actually be considered good. This paradox is one of the core tenets of Evilism(tm), an exciting, new, and copyrighted philosophy started by the good people at the Church of Governmentology.

Put simply, Evilism(tm) is the study of wrongness. To fully understand why something is wrong, one must first understand how it is wrong. The state of wrongness can be achieved on many levels. First, there is the application of two right things together to make a wrong, like peanut butter and jelly all swirled together- remember how that failed miserably? Getting two rights to make a wrong is easy. Unfortunately, the old saying that two wrongs don’t make a right is true: It takes about three or four, committed repeatedly in a motor vehicle with a stolen handgun.

Evilism(tm) has a few core tenets which you should familiarize yourself with. Application of these principles to every day life can assure your evilistic success. Look at your life and apply these principles. How much of what you do is evilisticly sound? You will find that as you journey through Governmentology, more and more of your life will be completely unrecognizable. Evilism(tm) is one way to help you reach this state of self-alienation which is so critical for the O.G. (Original Governmentologist). As you divest yourself more and more from your righteous mind, all past blockages of unindighted thought will evaporate into the depths of your inky black soul.

Now, without any further delay, we present to you the most important ideas you will ever learn: The Compunctions of Evilism! Read them well and remember. Print out this document and put it in your wallet or tape it on your mirror so you can follow the way of Evilism(tm) as a day to day discipline.

Evilistic Compunction I.

Atrocities committed for the sake of humor are never wrong. This is because it forces others to laugh at their own suffering, which in turn teaches them a valuable lesson about life. Remember always that art is suffering. Indeed, the concept of the artist who suffers for his art is a bold faced lie intended to limit the creative expression of the general population. Do not fall for it. It is the viewers, the ones who hope to appreciate the art, who must suffer for the artist. This way they will understand the message conveyed by the art and remember it all the better, as the battered housewife remembers her husband’s wants and needs. Soon, your artistic subjects will thank you for their victimhood. In victimizing them, you will have enriched their lives greatly.

Evilistic Compunction II.

Learn to wallow in your own awfulness. This world is too harsh a place to make people accountable for what they have done. When we aren’t neglecting bills, acting busy, or dodging child support, we’re forced to lie about our awfulness in order to stay in the right. Don’t be ashamed of how horrible you are- respect it. Your awfulness is the best friend you will ever have. Learn to savor each and every terrible deed you have done. Set up a place inside your house to do it in, a darkened closet perhaps, where you can laugh to your heart’s content. In time you will find that little voice inside your head, your righteous mind, has been drowned out by the sound of that maniacal laughter. When this time comes, you will know you are right with the world.

Evilistic Compunction III.

The world isn’t ready for Evilism(tm), so don’t tell them about it. Speak out for Governmentology, but never give them too much information. Remember that the righteous mind is a powerful force is some. It can lead them to do all sorts of strange and bizarre things, like never talk to you again or perhaps invoke a restraining order. People need to be lead into Evilism(tm) and not "introduced". This way, the effect will be much more insidious and creeping. The way to destroy the conscience isn’t a huge dose of evil, rather tiny little portions served up daily with a nice sugar coating. In no time at all, you will have twisted their mind to your liking.

Evilistic Compunction IV.

When in doubt, make someone else do it first and see what happens to them. Never subject yourself to risk when you can get someone else to do it and reap the rewards for yourself. If people are naive enough to get taken advantage of, then by all means do it. That’s what they’re there for. Remember Compunction One: It isn’t wrong so long as everyone has a good laugh afterwards. Coax them any way you have to (within reason) and then get the hell away when it looks like trouble. That way, you’ll still be around to spread more good cheer while they’re in the hospital, jail, or otherwise institutionalized.

Evilistic Compunction V.

Just as Einstein said that the Universe is relative to the position of the observer, so the truth is relative to the person who’s telling it. People in strange positions tend to have strange versions of the truth. This principle is nothing new- its called Moral Relativism and its taught in universities the world over. Remember that the truth is the most elastic substance known to man. It can be bent, stretched, twisted, and in other ways distorted but it still remains the truth. Man has always been a creature who has manipulated the environment to meet his whims. Let the animals bother to adapt themselves to the truth- you must adapt the truth to you. Through this new science of truth-molding, Governmentology has become the thriving religion it is today. Already we control major political factions and governments all over the world. You too can enjoy this brand of success through the use of Moral Relativism.

Well, that’s it for now. You need some time to absorb what you have read. Never fear, though, more spiritual wisdom from the good folks at Governmentology will be doled out in our up and coming document:

Evilism v. 2.0!